This is what my protest consisted of: laying in the middle of the floor where the dining table used to be (we sold it), snuggling my cat (that may or may not be left behind in the move), and refusing to speak to anyone. Oh and drinking Emergenc-E because I was feeling sniffl-E.
My front that day was anger, but on the inside, I was mostly sad. Maybe a little angry when Adam asked silly questions like "Is something wrong?" Um.....how do I answer that? With a classy eye-roll and "Duh."
The big ticket question is WHY? Not that I had any sort of coherent answer during my protest. The garage sale was Friday - Saturday. Simple enough, sit outside, sell things, whatever. No. By some unknown magic and trickery, I became dehydrated. After day one of the garage sale, I plopped down on the couch and the spell of smiles and chatting with strangers ended. I was pissy and mean and light-headed and sickly. Luckily my beloved friend Aili knew the issue and force-fed me Gatorade and rice crisps.
I survived the ordeal of day one, but day two killed me. It killed my spirit. The enemy of all garage sales reigned (rained. ha a pun!). Saturday morning, the rain washed all my dreams away....drama drama drama. Praise Jesus it was the weekend so Adam held down the fort while I protested with the cat.
This is real marriage.
Eventually (unfortunately), all protests must end. Adam got down on the floor next to me, pulled me close, and made me talk about my feelings (yeah ladies, he is for real). I cried some silent tears and realized that I was not regretting our decision, I was just scared of the reality. Learning a new city, new roads, new favorite hangouts and eats, new people, hopefully new friends, a new church family. Gah I was scared about not finding a church family. My church definition has changed over the years, but at my current definition, I cannot live without church. It really serves as my family.
So Adam and I talked through my fears and the more practical issues of selling our house and finding a home in CO. Neither of these have happened yet and we are down to four weeks.... help me. But we also talked through the ease of this job transition and the blessings that confirm our desire to go. Recently we discovered 1) Adam's mom gets to have surgery!!! 2) my job likes me enough to hire me remotely!!!
1) Adam's mom is battling ovarian cancer. Like a boss. Mom's are ridiculously strong y'all. I for one do not understand it but I am in awe. When she was diagnosed, the cancer was inoperable so the doctors chose a chemotherapy regime. She then began a strenuous cycle of weekly doses with the hopes that the initial chemo would make the cancer shrink into an operable state. VICTORY! A song I heard on Sunday said "Every victory belongs to Jesus!" Amen to that and thank you Jesus for healing my wonderful mother-in-law. She will have surgery and then go back on chemo. This was very encouraging to the entire family and helped Adam feel more at ease with us moving during this time.
2) My fantastic (thank you Doctor Who's #9) boss asked me to keep my company laptop and work for her from CO. YEAH SON. I can continue working (and getting paid) during our first few months. This will help me fill my time with something familiar to avoid creeping doubts, boredom, and loneliness. Satan is sneaky and quite frankly, a jerk. He knows where my soft spots are, so here is Jesus claiming another victory in my life. I will be employed!
Conclusion: protests look very childish in light of Jesus' victories and God's provision throughout this move. On Sunday, the Spirit spoke to me again. He showed me that I have been selfish (surprise surprise...). As of late, I have been viewing my church family and community as a means to serve myself. What can I get out of this? What can they give me? I think that is why my fear of losing this family has been so great. Because they have loved me richly and served me so well. My selfishness is worried that I won't find such a generous bunch anywhere else. The Spirit reminded me of the call to be the servant. Lord teach me about service. Mold my heart to look like Jesus' because He served the world in the biggest and greatest way.
OOH one more thing! On Sunday, Jeremy preached and said that Jesus left the best community in the world: communion with God the Father and God the Spirit in heaven. OHMY. Those words crashed down on me. Jesus left His family, His community, to come down to Earth... oh Jesus I feel such a kinship with You. You understand me fully because Your move was far more difficult than mine. Thank you for always sticking with me and showing me Your life. You solidify my faith. Protest over.
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