It was brought to my attention that I might not actually grieve this move until I am stuck in Colorado.
Miles away from all my friends and their hugs and their "Let's get Jamba Juice." That is a terrifying thought. Even more terrifying: Adam will be the sole caretaker of my grieving heart. Y'all this is not a slight on my husband, this IS a statement on how inconsolable/irritable/irrational/melodramatic I can be when I think that I have been wronged or hurt. And this move will hurt. It will hurt me and in turn it will hurt Adam. He will do his absolute best to comfort me and remind that God has us on this journey and that He is faithful but when I breakdown into tears and wallow in my loneliness, Adam will inevitably fail. Why you ask?
I discovered early on in our marriage that tears effectively paralyze men. Can I say men? Is that too general? I bet other men besides Adam become deer in the headlights when confronted with a sobbing woman.
The first time I cried in front of him, he sat in absolute silence. EXCUSE ME. Apparently he did not know that the womanly reaction to silence is crying harder. Because to me, his silence meant he didn't care enough to comfort me. It took a few rounds to realize that he honestly did not know what I wanted/needed him to do. So we hatched a brilliant plan: Alex tells Adam what she needs him to do!!! WHEE-OOH!
Weeks down the road, we found the fatal flaw. I don't like telling him... because as a woman I reserve the right to make him read my mind [False. But I live by it anyway]. I want him to "just know." Like an instinct. Where did I pick this up? What woman showed me this example? Or did I make up this expectation all on my own? Either way it is completely ridiculous and I should (theoretically) be able to speak my needs. But in that moment of hot tears and dry throat, I can't manage it. My emotions have already taken control of my brain and I blubber. Sometimes I hide under a blanket because I read his confused expression as "You are an alien. You are nuts. I don't know what to do with you." [This is not what he actually thinks. It's my skewed perception.]
All of this makes the original hurt worse and I find myself longing for a woman who understands without any words. During that breakdown, I have no energy to explain myself. I need someone who doesn't look at me like an alien, but instinctively reacts because she has felt my hurt too. There is such beauty in the way women communicate and understand without words. It's also the beauty of community built on the Lord, drawing us together, caring for one another, sympathizing and loving.
I have to find that in Colorado. Part of heart will shrivel up without it.
Again, this is not a slight against Adam. He is fully equipped to comfort me, but the dirty truth is that sometimes I don't want his comfort. I want it from a close girlfriend. I wish I could say it was some redeeming reason like: the comfort from a girlfriend strengthens the friendship, whereas Adam and I have enough strengthening our relationship already [yippee for sex]. But I don't think that is the reason. It is the sinful selfishness of wanting immediate gratification. It is easier for me to seek comfort from a friend because she will ease the pain faster than Adam. He will stumble over words and try to do the right things but maybe not in the right way. So in my selfishness, I rob him of the chance to learn and improve. And I rob myself of the opportunity to deepen the friendship between Adam and I.
So... I either cry my eyes out here in Oklahoma and surround myself with women who know me. Have seen me grow for five years. Who have shared their struggles with me. OR I lose control in Colorado with poor-unsuspecting-precious Adam. Right now I anticipate the latter. Jesus send Your peace to both of us... we will need it big time.
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